Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
