I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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