so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize