I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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