All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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