Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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