When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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