He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
