She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
