capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
