Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
