I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
