thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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