i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
