The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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