help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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