Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
