mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
