How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
