The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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