She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
