I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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