My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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