Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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