She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
