tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
