you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
