im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
there is puke in my bra ... again
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