make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Let's get the cat blown out
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize