My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
