My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
