Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
