i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
