when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
