I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
