so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
