i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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