What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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