Where did you get a picture of my penis
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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