when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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