just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I looked at my own cervix.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
