So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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