I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
