i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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