Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
