why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
