dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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