I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
