This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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