Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
