We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
