He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
