Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
