my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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