I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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