Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
whose parrot is this?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
