I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
