I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
