i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
