remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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