I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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