this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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