i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
