Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
