mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
